Ok. Here we go. I am sharing with you my current life dilemma.
IF i am convinced that "good is the mortal enemy of great" (and i am!) and If my heart does not stop telling me that "CAWKI (Church As We Know It) hinders CAGWI (Church As God Wants It)" (and it does not!)... THEN i have to challenge CAWKI to stop and cry for help. In fact i am doing this.
NOW - having deconstructed "second class Christianity" (or whatever disrespectful terms i have to use) - i am rightfully challenged to present "the new", the "better", the "improved", "CAGWI". I have pointed to current milestones of revelation that i perceive to lead the way, to where i feel "is ahead".
YET - i have not entered into doing of the new things. Noone looking at me can "see" the new, only "hear" about it. Makes me feel sympathetic to John the Baptist who, seeing the Kingdom of God, could not enter it (Mt. 11:11)...
CONSEQUENTLY - (good!) friends keep challenging me to stop decrying CAWKI for all the GOOD that it does and that (admittedly) I am NOT doing: Sunday school, youth groups, evangelistic campaigns, Bible teaching, you name it... (and every out-of-church Christian with kids knows EXACTLY what i mean.)
SO - since time is passing (even in these deserts) and deep in my heart i feel serious doubts grow whether in all of my life i will "bring fruit" again (or: at all), AND since i am painfully realising that i am obviously NOT "the one" able to usher in a new dawn for this most beloved entity we call church... the question as to whether it is really good to be bound to "the best" while disengaging from "the good" in so consequent a manner as i do - is just valid.
"Then WHY are you disengaging so completely?" i am asked. "Be part of church, invest your talents where they are needed (and you know the never ending need for church volunteers) and work for a better church from the inside out!"
And i answer: I am out of the system because the whole system is corrupt (say "suboptimal"), because i care for the whole thing, and desire to see a better system, not just to improve parts of it. I am out because i believe that for me being in is destructive: destructive to a system that does not want to be disturbed (least of all "de(con)structed"); AND destructive to me, because it would occupy me with "good" and turn my focus from "great".
So - HOW am i ever hoping to bring about something of "the great" while loosing respectability with and connection to (read: influence in) "the good"?
Answer: I do not know. Only hope. And sometimes i need to cry out the whole dilemma into the blogosphere, in order not to completely loose the rest of what hope has stayed with me until now. It definitely is diminishing...
(thanks for listening to this lengthy personal post! feedback welcome. you do not need to be polite.)
